I Am The Maitreya

The other day I was at Starbucks. I hate the corporate culture but I love coffee. So, I haven’t been able to give up Starbucks. Bastards have pictures of indigenous people hung on their four walls picking up coffee beans, and have championed themselves as friends of these people somewhere in South America or Africa. They don’t give a rat’s ass about them; it’s all about profit, and all these altruistic soft-heart-bleary-eyes-white-liberals would order some intricate beverage thinking that farmer’s life in the picture would get better by drinking at Starbucks. Well that’s Ameircan liberalism when it comes to some brown/black people somewhere in the world. I saw an ad: a tourist drinking Starbucks at Tiananmen Square. Starbucks is ubiquitous. Let the tourists have indigenous experience while they travel, let them have some local Chinese tea at some local Chinese chaiwalla stall; you don’t need to follow them all around the world. But, I might be wrong here, Starbucks at Tiananmen Square might have been for the local consumption. They might have had the urge to stake awake and stay ahead of the game after the centuries of slumber; people of ‘Sleeping Dragon And Slouching Tiger.’ As Justin Timberlake of consumerism pop culture Thomas Friedman would say, world is flat. Idiot wouldn’t realize even if he falls off the edge. Fuck him.

Ok, coming back to some intricate beverage at Starbucks. A good synonym for America would be ‘choices.’ It’s all about choices while buying some commodity or service. There are at least ten choices for everything. Sadly, they relate these overwhelming choices with liberty and democracy. You will have to answer 20 questions, before you get your god damn sandwich, since you can make 20 different sandwiches with same ingredients. Now, how is it any different, they are selling the same shit with different names? That doesn’t stop at sandwich, the madness stretch as far as conjugal service. And they decry, that divorce is a national crisis. Given so many choices, every man would want to try everything, hence more divorces (pun indented, I know of few men who are as loyal as lap dogs). They should learn from Nepalis that you stick to your woman, the one your parents found for you until you die, even if her vagina is under her armpit, blame it on karma, and go about living. And, we South Asian men wonder/argue why our marriages work better. Apparently they never bother to ask the same question to their wives, since their opinions don’t count.

With no more meandering, let’s talk about varieties of beverages at Starbucks. Why can’t white people order simple drink? Like get me a regular coffee, instead of, I would get ‘Machiano with expresso shot with sprinkle of pumpkin seed with twitch of vanilla powder with 2% low fat cow milk from Mid West.’ It’s not that I never wanted to drink those drinks, but the problem is I don’t know how to order or what to order, it sounds more difficult than the periodic table in Chemistry book. The best I have done is, ‘I will have the same,’ after a women put an order which sounded like some magical incantation. The drink turn out to be like some beat up cheese cake in the cup with the straw. I don’t understand how that even remotely resembles coffee? Well, I guess that’s democracy, order coffee and end up getting some cheese cake taste like drink, element of surprise at your own expense, since they don’t come cheap, I mean in dollar value.

And this same mad urges for choices extrapolates in their Foreign Policies too. No wonder Americans were so anxious to dispense their ‘Democracy’ to Iraqis. They thought lack of choices in Iraq equates to no democracy, since it’s been Saddam all way long. Sadly, it has not been as sweet as some cheese cake beverage at Starbucks. Nonetheless, more choices on how to get killed and by whom, pretty democratic way of dieing I would say, if not living.

Freedom of choices have never been fair for me, I always end up getting the worst deal, when given many choices to pick from. Let’s say, I have the special talent at picking up wrong things, that’s my karma. But many of my friends have flourished and prosper under this system, especially when they do shopping. They always end up buying the same thing almost 20 to 30% cheaper than I do. Out of embarrassment, I tell them I bought the same shit at the same price as they did, sometime I even lie that I got it cheaper than them. 

For most of us, American way of life has been buying things off EBay, enjoying our rights to choose. And I’ve yet to order my mail-bride.

Well, many might say silence is a mark of a wise man, I’m everything but wise, my resounding silence is due to a sudden explosion of work load, which have kept me away from blogging for a while.

I have some time at hand, so let me try to put something here. Lately few issues have been bugging me, before they rot inside me and I die of gangrene, allow me to purge myself. By doing so, I get purified, you get infected, beauty of blogging, isn’t it? So here they are:

1. Prasant Tamang
2. Gundruk
3. Nude Bars

 Prasant Tamang:

Let’s start with Prasant. Boy! Did the nation go gaga over ubiquitous serenading Tamang? Rude awakening huh that we suffer from an identity crisis as a nation? Post Panchayat kick in the patriotic groin by reality, ache in the balls (apology to female species, since I can’t relate what will equate to that pain for you guys) still lingers, that as a people and a nation we are non-existence in the globe, but only full of valor and majestic history in our school text books. In the absence of national figures (state person/scientist/artist/sports person etc. etc.) like in other countries, to take a pride on, we try to substitute that void with anything/everything, no matter how ridiculous it is. For instance: Prasant winning Indian Idol. The jubilation/celebration far exceeds the achievement. The event was a shining moment to express our support for Nepalis in diaspora, but sad, it only happens when someone is singing on TV. What happened to that love/support when whole of hill people in Darjeeling was fighting for a separate state? When thousands of Nepalis were driven out of Burma, in resent history from Bhutan? And God, what do we do? We take a PRIDE on Prashant being one of US, (Nepalis know when to play that card of inclusiveness very well, shall we ask Madhesis, how they feel about that word US?) as if his win is a win over evil India by under dog–Nepal.

We have picked the battle ground—popular culture, since in diplomacy and in foreign policies, our Southern friend (let me remind you, Delhi is up more north than our beloved Mt. Everest, our pride, as if we built it with our own hands) always rams our Southern orifice, that’s what happens, Mr. Nepali Politicians, if you bend so low, and don’t hold tight to your suruwal-ko-toona, I guess, Indian Diplomats/State men get tempted and aroused to pull their dhotis up and do you a service. And you fly back to KTM airport with that weird saunter (now, we know why), and we always thought you scored some finer points on the barraging table, but on contrary, they scored you on the same table. Mother of all ironies, same people high-light the issues of human trafficking across the border for flesh trade, while they are themselves abused across the border on the table. India has been indiscriminate in its philandering while rendering their service to Nepali leaders of bourgeois or proletariats likewise, and at times they even extend their service to Monarchy, you just need to bend. While our leaders are sodomized in Delhi, we are pre-occupied by what Rhritik has to say about Nepalis, or go berserk over crooning Tamang.  So much for modern (that is questionable) Nepali sensibility—show kitsch nationalism at the slightest opportunity. I’m not India bashing, I know very well that foreign policies do not run on compassion/benevolence or charity. It’s a hard bargain and a ruthless game, but I’m plain worried that our leaders don’t hold to their under-ware any tighter, and are eager to get down on their knees, expecting some compassion from the other party, only that you get is lust for such demeanor and posture. Next time when sent to bargain, they should be padded with chastity belt, and in strait jackets to keep them up-right to show some presence of back bone. But, what can you expect from these dirty whores? They don’t even die of STDs. Look at that old fuck—Koirala, even Herpes is scared to get him, he seems immortal, but the fact is even the Death cringes and shies away from him. Fucker, looks like a Gollum from Lord of The Ring movie, holding tight to the ring, never dieing.

Bastard MaKuNe, only thing intellectual about him is his moustache and Nepali Topi, rest is all bull-shit gibberish in Nepali vernacular, which is very hard to understand for the people who didn’t graduate with Sanskrit degree, lot harder for ethnic people. And we have a habit of equating incomprehension of gibberishness with intelligence, thus he appears very intelligent. What to talk about, Comrade Daktar Sahib, you should read some of his publication in English, God, it’s like reading GRE vocabulary, it’s embarrassingly difficult to read, as if he throws dart at Thesaurus to pick the hardest and randomest synonyms, which otherwise would’ve sufficed with use of simple regular words. I guess, he does better in Nepali, but I haven’t read any. I doubt; the other of the bandit duo—Prachanda even knows how to read and write. That’s our intellectuals, who can’t make a point after wasting shit load of ink and paper, and words, and air time. But, who has made sense all this time in Nepal? Beside, Pawan Putra Hanuman. I don’t know why I said it. May be, I am a Hanuman fan. Monkey God that flies and builds bridges, and who comes any closer to Batman, Superman, and Spiderman, even wears red under-ware. If evolution is correct that we are descendant of apes, we should be able to fly some day. But, privilege should go to those first, who reads Hanuman-Chalise, for their unflinching belief in their super-hero. I can be pretty stupid with my nonsense sometimes, for bringing in Hanuman for no reason out of context.

Pardon my miniscule knowledge in Nepali politics; these are the only people (yes, I know Hanuman is not a Nepali politician, thank you very much) that I can put faces to their names and a few more. When is the other gem of Koirala dynasty—Manisha running for office? If she shows her tities, I will vote for her, an excellent reason to vote for in Nepali politics. But, she better hurry up, before those tities get old and sag to her knees. Incorrigible pig that is me. I’m pretty sure rests are as shitty as others. God, do I hate politicians so much?

But, I’m beginning to fall in that slot of pseudo-intellectuals ex-patriots, who worry too much about Nepal in free time, that’s called leisurely worry—worry of sort that won’t kill you with stress, other time I don’t give a shit. Or of people who worry too much about Nepal after a few drinks, and even promise to go back to serve motherland in their drunken stupor. Next time, I’ve decided to chisel their words in stone, and show them the next morning about the promises they made the other night, or may be buy them a ticket out of my own pocket. But one thing for sure, one of the main ingredients of alcohol is love for motherland.

But, I love Mt. Everest which I’ve only seen pictures of, and Buddha is my uncle, as I go by Maitreya, you see, and Sita is my Mata from Janakpur, and Hanuman my Mata saver, not the Gau Mata, you stupid fuck, you think Ravana is that stupid to want to marry a cow. Wouldn’t you think there are cows in Sri-Lanka that he had to fly to some Bihari jungle to get one? Nepal is a great confused country, confused between identities as a peaceful people of Buddha or the brave Klingons (Star Trek) of mankind, ready to rip head off on the slightest provocation. Fuck, what are we? But, lately, we have been Pacifist-Klingons-Son-of-Sita-Mata-From-Janakpur running after Prasant, who beat the shit out of sons of Gau-Mata—the Indians.

Disclaimer: I don’t have anything against Mr. Tamang personally. I did watch his few clips in YouTube, he’s good, but I didn’t see any other contestants. Let him wallow in his success, leave him alone, may be he doesn’t want to represent Nepali people, I guess, he just wanted to get out of that drudgery of Calcutta police, make something/someone out of himself. Beside, he might be my long lost cousin, since he is rich and famous now.

I guess; I went over board, started with Prasant and ended with bitching about politicians, in between praising Hanuman. Now, I guess, I don’t have time to write about ‘Gundruk’ and ‘Nude Bars.’ May be next time. Now, don’t get excited, I’m not going to talk about Gundruk in Nude bars, they are independent topics. For your kind information, Gundruk that you see in Nude bar is called ‘pubic hair’ in English, and not edible at all, but men have been stupid enough since time immemorial that to think of it as edible, and try it anyway. Ah! Ah! Think silently, I can almost hear, you saying in your head, ‘Paataki, Nakachara mora, laaz pani chaina.’ Welcome, to my blog.

Remind me to write about them next time, if I forget.

Ok! It’s a bitching time, I guess, I’m bitter for no reason. I’ve come to loath Nepali youths that come to the US in loads. Not everyone, but most of them. Fucking, they just hop into the plane and land here with no clue. Yes, foreign land and culture can be intimidating, but for GOD sake, do some reading before coming here. There is something called Atlas, look into the map where you are going, learn something about the climate, demographics, crime rate etc. etc of the place that you intend to go.

Most of them feel cheated, when they land up in the middle of some corn field somewhere in the Mid West among the cows and hillbillies who have never seen any colored people. They are equally surprised to see you suddenly in their town out of nowhere, as you are to see them. And you go about introducing yourself form the land of Mt. Everest, which no one gives a shit. All they worry is if you have found Jesus. And your general conclusion is that all whites are dumb, just because they don’t know about your pride—Mt. Everest. I don’t blame these kids too. For most of us, we are the first one to come here, unlike the well to do Nepalis, who already had someone here to give them sound advice.

As much as there is a lack of homework from our youth, American Center in Nepal is equally culpable. Fuckers are paid to help the students who want to study in the US. And the employees act as if they are the CEOs of some multi national corp. Someone should tell them they are just fucking clerks, who just happen to speak English with accent, and meticulously dressed, children of some well to do families. They are unapproachable and very intimidating for our youth, so they heed the advice of their friends instead; as a result most of them end up in some corn field or in some badest meanest cities, where recently a Nepali youth was shot dead.

If you are Nepali, please, don’t speak to me in English, and please not with an accent. ‘Dude’ and ‘awesome’ don’t make your English any better. I usually make an effort to go and talk to Nepali whenever/wherever I see them. At least reciprocate the courtesy, a smile will suffice, fucking you don’t have to be a snub. For that you might be a prince/princess back home, I don’t give a shit. Especially for women, they act all liberated and empowered by what I don’t know, but its all pretension. Approach them, and your assertiveness would construed as your intention to take them to bed. God save Nepali nari in pardesh.

Worst are the children born here, parents are confused, children are even more. I hate going to homes with toddlers, fucking they are unruly; I always have this urge to smash them against the wall. For god sake, don’t speak to your kids in English, they will learn that anyway in school. ‘Aisyosh, Gaisyosh, Khaiyosh’ is not Nepali, that’s fucking your feudal pride.

I like this country for one reason at least for the immigrants, it’s a great flatners, and playing field is leveled. No matter if you are a prince or a pauper, you start from the scratch. If you are a Rana Sahib or a commoner from Humla, you need to slug your ass. Ass it is after all, it has no class, unlike ‘aisyosh, gaiyosh’ ass.

I believe; there is an invisible rope that tethers every individual/institution to restrict them from going off the conventional/traditional boundaries set by society/institutions—social or religious, or in whatever organized form they might be. The strength of that rope to prevent anyone from going astray is only as strong as the first transgression, the first crossover the line that demarcates the boundary. Call it an inability of accepted ‘teachings/framework’ to prevent individual from doing so, or an ultimate freedom form rigid dogmas. It’s all the matter of perspective, and purely subjective.

It’s always your first puff of smoke, first sip of alcohol, a first trip to brothel that stabs you the hardest at your conscience, sending pangs of guilt. Sometime the guilt triumphs, sometimes the thrill of rebellious act, sometimes even the sheer pleasure. But mostly, a guilt turns into amusement, after a while it turns into habit, after that it just becomes another mundane activity that you do everyday, you no longer see it through the light of ‘good/bad.’ That is when you are set free, for better or worse off of your shackles (I believe for better). But it’s not just limited to trivial acts of smoking/drinking/drugs/sex; this applies to even darker/graver of crimes theft/murder/rape etc. Then the idea of ‘free will’ gets murky.  

How sad, this is true for the Politics of Violence too.  Within the short stint of experimenting in Nepali politics with different ideas/ideologies, we saw many things we are capable of, mostly greed, and violence born out of greed. But all the warring parties before, tried their best not to target the civilian to pursue their political agenda. But the act of those bomb blasts in Kathmandu last week have severed the rope that tethers to that unspoken pact—not bringing war into homes. (Sadly, question is whose homes, war been raging for decades in those thatched roof homes in some rural Nepal)

As I said earlier, it’s always the hardest the first time. After that, it just becomes trivial, and the real danger lies when it becomes the modus operandi, even worse is: when the general publics’ earlier reaction of aghast and repugnance turns into apathy, and they start taking it as a way of life. I wonder how many Israelis or Palestinians disrupt their daily activities by the fear of bomb blast in their cities. For that matter any Sri Lankans, Iraqis or Afghans.

As much as I would like to think otherwise, I see Kathmandu has that impending fate waiting. Well, this might be my unfounded fear that I see perched from the expatriate perch, oblivious of ground realities. I may not have a political astuteness to fathom the political nuances in Nepal, but over the years of my existence, I’ve learned one thing: humans are capable of unthinkable atrocities towards one another. We have witnessed over the decade of political unrest that we Nepalis are not ‘peaceful’ people as Panchayat System would’ve made us believe otherwise. Guatam Buddha too, wouldn’t be able to do a shit for his countrymen (as if he was bound by some geo-political lines that Nepal government tires so hard to claim his citizenship, while I had to bounce of the walls of bureaucracy for almost a month in CDO office to get mine. Mother fuckers claimed that I was from Tibetan refuge camp, now do you get a glimpse of what I mean by ‘magrinalized people’). Ball started rolling a long long time back, all those pent up aggression of all those ‘marginalized’ groups have only one vent—rage. And it’s easiest of emotion which requires no rationale, but just a reason to get angry. I believe, of all the human emotions, sentiment is the easiest to manipulate. Most of urban Nepali saw/heard/felt the gore what a blast could do, but one thing they (we) completely failed to see/hear was the ‘ticking’ of aggression of marginalized people over the decades, all ready to blast.

Are those blasts justified on the ground of social injustice? Not at all, but sad, it’s the only way to draw attention in Nepali politics or elsewhere. Be prepared for more, until everyone is confused in the blaring noise of blasts that what one wanted to draw attention to. That’s the nature of war; over the long period no one remembers what the fight was for? The line between victims and perpetrators gets smudged, what remains is the feeling of vengeance and ego.

But looking closely at the current blasts, there are more questions than answers. What is the motive behind such a bold step? Other than some obscure groups claiming the responsibility, government has not been able to pin the blast to any particular group after few weeks of incident. Even the most disingenuous or the dumbest political groups have agenda, so what are the agenda/demands of ‘Terai’ group that claims the responsibility. In its absence, it’s easy to conclude (erroneous might be) they are just the pawn in the grand scheme. Grandmaster is someone else. Isn’t this the duty/responsibility of the responsible press, if there exist one in Nepal. If you don’t have the answers, at least raise the questions, which I find non-existent in Nepali press.

So, I personally believe, there is more at play than meets the eyes. Is it genuinely discontent ‘madhesis’ or just the manipulation of their discontent by someone else? But whatever might be the reason, the line has been crossed; guilty pangs of killing innocent public are done with, the next blast would be as easy as taking a cup of tea, the apathetic ‘janta’ wouldn’t even budge from their chair on hearing the blast before they finish their cup of tea. They will learn to grow with it as long as someone else is being killed, and that’s the Politics Of Violence. Countless societies have gone through that over the period of history or recently, now I believe it’s our turn to show what we are capable of, in terms of gore.

Good bye, Gautam Buddha, take your shit somewhere else, Nepal has marketed you enough, and now let us show our true color. That is RED.

Fuck that sounds like a communist manifesto.

I was watching Christiana Amanpour’s ‘God’s Warriors’ on CNN, and it dawned on me that as a human kind we haven’t progressed much since the middle ages. We have taken far flung strides in science and technology, inventing and discovering new things, but when it comes to belief/faith, we haven’t buzzed an inch for millenniums. Incredibly no one finds it a burden to drag these religious dogmas for thousands of years, yet they seem even more resolve to do so, for the sake of GOD. And, I can understand since I was one of them.

For the believers, regardless of the religion they follow, but mostly Abrahamic, nothing much has changed in the last few thousand years. They would have fitted perfectly anywhere in the past, and it seems they would have been happier to do so, since all they find in the present is the degraded and eroded moral values, they are the revisionists, want to mould their lives according to their respective religious teachings, and what’s scarier is that they subscribe the same for everyone else.

Trouble began for the whole mankind, when these children of Abraham started to pan out of deserts into other ancient civilizations of the world. The conquistadors virtually wiped Mayans and Aztecs under the banner of Jesus. The pilgrims, the misfits even among the Christians were driven out of England landed in the US, invited the natives for the picnic, and took all their lands, to build the nation under the God. Under the flag of Islam, part of Europe, whole of Middle East and Central Asia was proselytized, their pillage spread till Indus valley. Muslims and Christians fought over the Holy Land for centuries, but in the recent history, the Zionist movement usurped the Palestinians out of there land, just because god promised them so. It’s nothing but been trouble once they started folding their tent and dust off the sand (*), and started moving out, since than it has been devastating for rest of the mankind, especially for woman kind.       

Ah! Just don’t think that since Abrahamic religions have had miserable side effects, other non-Abrahamic religions are better and milder–Hinduism, Buddhism and other off-shoots of these. I shouldn’t be wasting my word regurgitating the ‘side effects’ of Hinduism in social issues, well everyone grew up in that (most of the readers), if you still fail to see it, then Pawan Putra Hanuman save you of your ignorance. Besides the social politics, it’s very interesting to note the rise of the Hindu right wing organizations like VHS with its political/militant arms of RSS, to resurrect India under the shield of Hinduvta, and I believe there is a side kick of RSS in Nepal too. Leaders of such organizations go on chariot march across the country, pandering to majority populace sentiment to raze the Masjid down and build a temple over it, which were supposed to be their thousands of year back.

I’m ignorant about the atrocities caused by the Buddhist elsewhere, but I am pretty sure, there are atrocities where Buddhists must have been the perpetrators, probably where they are in majority. I guess that’s the case in Sri-Lanka, majority of Buddhist Sinhalese against the minorities of north—the Hindu Tamils. But, I haven’t done any comprehensive (as if I do on anything else) study on that, so I might be wrong on that.

And we thought such religious persecutions are only possible in the Middle Ages, but alas, 90% of all conflicts (no data to corroborate this, just my sentiment) are somehow related to some religious scriptures. Sad, and very sad, religion is here to stay, for long long time, with even uglier face. Just a humble urge to the readers, do objectively ask yourself, how you view the followers of other religions, just another human with different philosophy or with contempt or with indifference? More important, how do you see the minorities in your own religion. If somehow, you find yourself superior to others, then my friend it’s time for you too take that Dr. Who’s time portal Telephone-Booth and go back to caves.

But does it mean that the Atheists have the higher moral grounds? I guess not, the competing philosophy to age old religious dogmas were the Marxism in the first half of the century. What it took thousands of years for religious institutions; Marxism just did that in half the centuries, tantamount to the loss of lives for its cause.

I have come to believe, there need not be a central ideology to guide your moral compass, in its absence too, one can be a moral being. And it’s yet another topic on the sets and standards of morals, let’s not get into it. By moral standard I mean ‘Good and Bad’ as perceived by all the religions, beside the political nuances of contentious issues like abortions, gay marriage etc. etc. Which I believe, they fall more into social politics than the religion, yet far far from spirituality (yet one needs to have a definite explantion on it, which would satisfy every seeker). I would like to believe, if there is God, that God is above all this. And if he did create us, then he must be cringing and crying in dismay at the state of his creation. But, personally I doubt the existence of God. Ironic, isn’t it, I have put all my Gods in CAPITAL Gs for the soul who doesn’t believe in him.

* Apropos to dusting off of sand: I was watching Robin Williams stand up comedy the other day. He says the reason all Muslim and Jews get circumcised is that so they don’t carry sand in their penis foreskin. Primarily, they are the desert dwelling people. Pretty practical practice, I would have no trouble seeing the rational behind the practice had somebody told me that, instead of obfuscating it with coats of religious paintings. And some of my friends think the practice prevent STDs like AIDS and et al. Which is true, since I read the white paper on the research. But, I would like to get circumcised for the former than the later cause, for there is something called CONDOM for STDs. But, hey, what can be more effective than the Divine Condom–Abstinence.

Jite raho, pyare, jite raho, my crazy religious nuts.