I Am The Maitreya

When I can’t write them, I eat them has been my mantra with HOLY MOTHER COW. Had our education system have a little sense of not torturing young minds with incessant essays on Cows as assignment, I would have been a lot more compassionate to those bovines. It’s an age old vendetta. Heartless me; who keeps a beef with cow.No quadruped like cow reminds me of how pathetic and wretched academic career I had during my middle school, always flunking in English and Nepali, because every freaking exam would have an essay on Cow. (Cow wasn’t the sole reason of my flunking, but sure is the main culprit) I guess, that age old academic trauma have turned my interest of cow into gastronomy. HOLY MOTHER OF COW you might be many things for many people, but for me you are no more than a STEAK. Yummm!Did I trample on someone’s belief, have I been insensitive? Well take this: screw you. You have your prerogative of believing anything you want, but do not impose that on me. What if I were to come with hypothesis of my POTATO GOD? Excerpt from Potato Puran, which was excavated form the foothill of Mt. Kailash in Tibet. Translated in English reads this: 

Potato is not a mere vegetable; it’s in fact a fruit of loin of God himself, inseminated into the womb of our Holy Mother Earth. It’s a divine vegetable culminated from the holy union of divines—God and Mother Earth. In seven days, God created everything from Heaven to Earth, in the eighth day, God decreed Adam to create Eve and Potato. Potato Puran doesn’t say anything about the order of creation, Eve first or Potato first; holy wisdom says it was Eve, since Adam couldn’t have fucked Potato. Look what has become of us, just because that stupid woman chose an apple over a potato. Adam took his rib out and created Eve, and he took one of his testicles (yes, he had three) and created Potato. Hence it’s scripturally proved that Potato is indeed a seed of loin of God himself. God said, ‘Lo and Behold! Potato is food of life, eat from my loin.’ True to his word, mighty Potato is ubiquitous in every nook and cranny, in all shapes and sizes to sustain life, looks like God’s been little frivolous with his seed, and the Russians went a step further making Vodka out of it, sub-continent only had a wit to put it in Samosa. When God got disgusted with his creation, and decided to punish them, his wrath came as an Irish Potato Famine. Something like Rhrisi Vishwamitra’s cornucopias Kamdhenu Gai. Further more, according to Potato Puran, only way to ascend to the heaven is through the sacs of Potato stacked on top of each other making a divine ladder to the heaven, each rung equates to your good deeds. Thou who lack worship/reverence towards Omniscient Omnipresent Potato shall have Thy sacs cut short to heaven, and Thy shall be in limbo for eternity. God forewarns. Father, Son and Holy Ghost—Holy Trinity plus Potato, that’s all there is.àhence my beliefàhence my faithàthus my religionàPotato The Unisex God 

Now back to being myself– stupid and resuming my rant. Here I go again. Buckle up, and be ready for my moronic ride.Was I to get seriously offended that you don’t show enough reverence to my Potato God, just because I happen to believe my hypothesis as my faith thus my religion?  And to impose my faith unto others, what do I do? I make a law that decrees every individual should have respectful conduct (whatever the fuck that means) towards Holy Potato, in failure to comply—incarceration for 12 years. Wouldn’t it be great to share the same cell with Kripa Bhoteni (who is jailed for killing a Holy Cow) as for your part for tossing a Holy Potato out of window? Go figure! If stupidity were to prevail, then there shouldn’t be discrimination among one stupidity over the other. Equity is the best virtue in the eyes of God, hence Cow and Potato are equally HOLY. But most/some of you might argue, but she killed a cow– a mother, a holy creature, it’s against the law of the land. But, my dear friends, that law is reflection of YOUR faith. What part of fucking Bhoteni you would not understand that she doesn’t fall into your belief system?If you claim to be a pluralistic society, don’t shove YOUR FUCKING VALUE SYSTEM down everyone’s throat. Unless you want Potato cult to come around, and shove those Holy Potatoes up your orifices, all of them. Be happy, they didn’t choose Holy Squash (isskus) with all those spikes, would have been mighty hard on your –where sun never shines.In retrospect, even a Pasupatinath’s monkey, a Jawalakhel ko Valu (not a whore, I meant a bear in the Zoo, the bear I saw in that zoo when I was a kid must have died long ago out of depression), or any stray dog in KTM would have made an interesting topic for essay writing in middle school more than a fucking cow, all these animals have more character and attitude, something to write on. Holy cow my ass! How can a kid write more than a paragraph on the animal which does nothing but stands in one place for days chewing fodder? Talk about lack of imagination of our education institution. I have a hunch they still ask the contestants to write an essay on Cow in Nepali Civil Servant exam. Otherwise, why couldn’t anyone else make it, other than those wearing Dhaka Topi. Conspiracy of secret society of bovine worshiper—Nepali Masons. When asked to think analytically, we stand in one place for days, and chew on our brain. Training, I guess. That’s why I would rather chew on BEEF burger than my brain. Revenge is best served when garnished with jalapeño and layer of cheese at McDonald, or a Gai Kabab at some Arabic restaurant with humus.  

Mad Cow disease, it’s not that cow got it; it’s us who got it.